Dodgeball a Parenting Skill

Maybe you all remember playing dodgeball when you were a kid. If not, let me explain the game. You split into two teams, throw balls at each other, trying to hit someone on the other team to get them out. Easy, right? I now realize that was really an early introduction to parenting.

Now I'm not trying to scare off all of those who might be expecting or considering kids. This is simply a "heads up". When that newborn appears, it's game on sisters and brothers! You start dodging balls and try not to get taken out of the game. There is no instruction book so let my mistakes be your guide.

It starts out rather easy from simple pee in your face or vomit down your shirt. Then gradually the balls come at you a little harder with pulling a surprise from their diaper and smearing on the walls to telling someone in the grocery that they their mom wears pink underwear.

Here are a few other good throws I can mention.

When my oldest child turned 2 years old, I decided it was time to give him the "stranger danger" talk. I wanted to be on top of my game. I explained that if anyone ever talked to him with out Mom or Dad being beside him, to run away quickly and scream "Help! Your not my mom or dad!" I told him to yell "fire" to get attention. I even instructed him how to kick and fight if needed. I thought I was so smart. In reality, not only was I probably terrifying my kid but he may never grow up to speak to anyone ever!

Then came that dreadful day.

I headed to the bank to make a large withdrawal because we were paying off a home repair. I pulled up to the window as usual exchanged hellos with the teller who smiled and looked back at Connor, sitting quietly in his booster seat. The teller had asked me how I wanted my cash and I replied "Just give it to me in 100 dollar bills that way it will be faster." Suddenly, my smart little toddler screams from the top of his lungs "HELP!! Help!! Someone is trying to take me!" I immediately felt the color leave my face. The bank teller looked up at me and I looked in my rear view mirror with teeth clenched, and squealed, "What are you doing honey?" and in a sweet voice he said, "I need to tell her someone is trying to take me!" "But I'm not sweet PEA, I'm your mommy" I replied. "I know, Mommy, I practicing." Now the teller gave me my money hesitantly and I drove away watching her in my rear view mirror the whole time to see if she was moving toward a phone. I drove straight home watching for any police cars and sitting low in my seat. (as if that was gonna help) Obviously, I couldn't get mad at my intelligent toddler. After all, I created this problem to begin with and he was simply putting it to a test. I survived the ordeal with out any arrests as that ball passed me by.

Another dodge ball thrown my way, came when Connor was in kindergarten. He decided to sneak a florescent colored cap gun on the school bus and pulled it out of his backpack on the way home. Since he had no caps, he proceeded to hold it up in the air yelling, "BANG! BANG!" The bus driver pulled over on the middle of a highway to take it away from him then told him he was in big trouble. He came in the house and ran upstairs. I went to check on him and found him standing in his bathroom with his coat, hat, and backpack still on, and a bar of soap in his mouth. Surprised, I said, "Oh no, what did you say?" He then explained what happened. Why he felt he needed a bar of soap for that, I don't know. So after speaking with the principal, who called me next, and making him write out an apology to his bus driver, another ball dodged.

So now it begins with the second child. Everyday, my youngest comes home and proudly announces that he was on "green". (The classes have a color coded behavior graph. If you're on green; that means you had a great day. Yellow, is the next color for a warning. Blue, for a note home. Finally, red means a note, phone call and principal visit.) Thomas has been on green most of the year except once at the beginning when he got a note sent home for picking his nose. Really? They give notes for that? How about "Stop it" or "Yuk, go wash your hands". But a note? How many of those do they send home a day?
So yesterday again he comes home and announces that he got on blue for the second time this year. Before I had a chance to talk with him his teacher called and explained that my son, who I lovingly refer to as my "sweet baby boy", had told another boy that he was going to "drop a nuclear bomb on him". His teacher stated that she was well aware that Thomas couldn't do that and so she scolded him and moved his clip to yellow. However, after speaking with the school counselor, (who I've observed with her own kids in the grocery store and it wasn't pretty) who told the teacher that he would need to be put on blue because that was a true threat made against someone. Yes, I suppose if he were a nuclear scientist it might be a true threat. As it turned out, the boy, whom Thomas spoke with had been poking him at recess and when one of the teachers on duty tried to reprimand him, he would run away so nothing was done about the incident. Therefore, Thomas decided to try his own method. By the way, the military channel is off for a while in our house! After the conversation with his teacher, another ball flies just past my head.

I'm not sure what it will be like when I get struck with one of these balls. The ideal situation would be to get up, brush off, and step out of the game for a minute. Then I'll get right back in when the new game starts!

I thank God everyday for my kids. It's the first thing I do when I get up and the last thing before bed. I'm thankful to have two healthy, strong-willed, adventurous boys, who one day will grow up to be health, happy, and faithful servants of the King.
In the meantime, the King will need to give me his armor until I get them raised.